Two Zero One Two

Here’s 2012 in a wrap (in no particular order).



1. 2012 is awesome. I did the year in review app on FB and I think my year had been awesome, if not awesomer than yours.

2. I’ve decided to stick with my current job, because I’m in a comfortable zone and too busy enjoying the privileges to go out and look for another job

3. I’ve stopped thinking about pursuing my masters degree, because, heh, I’m still young and maybe I’m not ready yet. (read : lazy)

4. Screw all those people who celebrated the fact that the Mayan’s apocalyptic prophecy proved to be wrong. And all the preppers were being dissed just because well, they prepared for the worst. Plus, it’s during this time of need that I find humans to become absurdly creative. I read about all these weird ways people from all nations came up with to “survive the end of the world”. The most ridiculous being “survival pods” which resemble the balls people go zorbing in, constructed by a Chinese man. Ah, go to hell.

5. Writing in this weather is making me sleepy. And I’m losing focus.

6. I still feel strongly about Redza Minhat. I still read his blog every now and then, I just find him mysterious and charming.

7. Swallows of Kabul is just okay, in my opinion. It’s not mindblowing, just average. I wish the writer tells more of the grieve of the people in Afghanistan during the days of the Taliban.

8. I need new captivating blogs to follow, with different writing styles, sprinkled with elements of surprise. Maybe I’ll fall in love with the writer, or maybe I wont. If it’s a guy, maybe yes. If it’s a girl,..ahh, what the hell.

9. Writing in this weather is making me sleepy. Wait, did I say that already? Oh well.

10. I’m back on Twitter. Don’t follow me, I tweet craps.

11. I finally graduated in some unheard of degree. The robe is a sickly shade of blue. I hated it.

12. I didn’t go through the same flow my average buddies did. For example, see no.11. I got a job first, and THEN I graduated. I’ve always been a rebel, anyway.

13. In my attempt to become more knowledgeable, I found myself bagging historical- & war-themed books at the recent Big Bad Wolf sale I wonder when I will finish them all. I am still at book #1 at this point.

14. Finally tried the All Terrain Vehicle (ATV) just this month. That didn’t go so well. :(

15. I wish I could go back to Perhentian and Redang next year.

16. My official graduation photo looked okay. At least there weren’t any candid weird expressions or wardrobe malfunction.

17. Loved both sides of Hanoi – my first South East Asia destination. But the streets are bustling & deafening – I most certainly won’t picture myself living there, that’s for sure.

18. I’ve stopped going to McDonalds or having take out coffee from Starbucks since the attack on Gaza. Trying my best to do my part no matter how small. Good side of it – at least I’m not burning a hole in my wallet anymore. And less calorie intake, haha.

19. My new year’s resolution to stay fit and eat healthy has been going on and off. I still lack the motivation and positive drive. I signed up for aerobic classes, though. (Yeah, I’m probably never going there again.)

20. Tomorrow’s Christmas. And it’s still raining outside. I miss the Xmas sugar cookies my childhood neighbor used to offer me. I live in a Malay community now, so I’ll probably never see those again. Too bad.

21. Oh, this is important. It’s the second year anniversary in remembrance of my special superhero’s demise. Maybe I’ll visit his grave if it stops raining tomorrow. Or I could just stay home and recite the Yaasiin. Anyway, I miss you so much. Al-Fatihah.

The Unspeakables of Twenty Twelve

So the new year kicked off to a slow draggish start.
I just know things will go a bit differently this year, but i have no idea how different.

First of all, I had no resolutions but a few things i’d like to call “mental goals” to be achieved this year.
I have vowed to spend a small fraction of my monthly salary for charity purposes, or give it away to the needies.
There’s also a lot of things i hope i could change.

Like for example, there’s a guy at work whom i wish would stop calling me “Wan”. For one, it sounds very masculine, like a guy’s name, as in, short for Izwan, Safwan or Ridzuan. And second, it makes me sound a lot older than i really am.

And how i wish he would leave me alone. He bugs me every now and then, popping up at my cubicle out of nowhere when i least expect it, giving me a terrible shock. And up to this day, i’ve already been caught three times doing absolutely crap things instead of working. See, that’s why i wish he’d get the hell out of my face. I am not a person of commitment. I am, well, self-diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). It’s not medically proven yet, but i’m pretty sure i have it.

Symptom #1 : My attention span is equivalent to that of a rat. I cant spend long hours sitting in one place, just staring at the computer which dries my eyes out. So I tend to take breaks from work and distract myself with something else, which would often include eating, doodling, reading random stuff, singing under my breath, or playing games on my Android. When this occurs and The Obnoxious One suddenly appeared at my desk, i am in a bad place. Once, i was randomly doodling and had my head bent over so low i didnt see him perching over my cubicle. What a nasty fright i had when i looked up and noticed he had been there for god knows how long. It was downright embarassing because later he would make fun of me and questioned whether i had no work to be done. Which i had.

Symptom #2 : when i get too bored at work for doing the same thing over and over again, i would lose focus and started drifting in and out, often losing attention as to what i am really doing in the first place and had to retrace my steps and do everything from scratch.

Symptom #3 : I’d just fall into a lull and can even doze off in the toilet. Yeah, it’s THAT bad.

And then there’s the unhealthy fitness regime to be addressed. Not that i have one. I have always wanted to be healthier and eat better, but I never work out, and am often too easily distracted to stay on track. Plus, i think i am never that determined to change. I would start with a healthy grocery list that is worthy of an athlete, stocking up on whole grain cereals, wheat bread, fruits, granola bars and yogurt. But after a few weeks, I’d end up ditching the whole being healthy plan and switch back to whatever-you-want-you-get diet and who-am-i-kidding-jogging-is-never-my-thing lifestyle. Thus, my journey to scoring a runway model figure was cut short and i am back to square one. Story of my life.

And with all these buzz around me about a friend of mine who is to wed the tv host, Ally Iskandar, i am even more tensed about finding the guy of my dreams. Not that it’s already my call, but everyone says i should start looking. To be honest, i used to not give a damn. I am only 21 going on 22 goddammit, but these people would not chill. So i started thinking about my Mystery Charmer, Does he even exist? Did i set my bar too high? And most importantly, did he give up on finding me and suddenly convert to being gay? Okay, that’s just crap talk. My mind wanders to places my body would be ashamed to go.

Finally, my last wish would be to embrace the religion i am blessed with with more passion and determination. Heck, i wish i am determined in everything i do. I wish i could work hard, love hard and pray hard, but it’s mostly just the other way round ; hardly work, hardly love and hardly pray.

There are also things that i have never even imagined or wished for that just came about. Like I suddenly got the job at Malaysia Airlines when i didn’t even put up hopes on it. Soon i am flying back and forth to my hometown in Terengganu twice a month. And yesterday i went house-hunting, because our Subang office would be relocated to KLIA, and the most sensible thing to do is to find a house for rent nearby, but upon looking around, i ended up making a purchase instead. Okay, i know it’s pretty bold and drastic for someone who’d just started working, but i was convinced that it’d be a fruitful investment. So...yeah. I actually bought a house. At the age of 21. I know, right. Lemons.

Oh and did i mention, 2 weeks into the new year and already, the unlucky demons are hovering over the top of my head. My plans have gone horribly wrong. See, I am supposed to leave for Japan with 4 others (3 of them strangers) on the first flight tomorrow morning, but for some reasons i’d rather not discuss for fear of bringing the sting back to my heart, the whole vacation plan is being cancelled.

My vacation. My long-awaited, much-anticipated Japan getaway. Which i have planned way back in October. It has fallen apart. Everything is ruined. Arghh i’m going crazy just thinking about it.

And i have no idea how i’d set my feet in the office tomorrow with this horrible thought biting off the edges of my soggy brain. Probably dragging them. In fact, i’m already dragging them now. Holy guacamole, i can’t face this frustration!!!!

Can i just skip right ahead to Friday?

Still Pretty Much Alive

I know no one's asking, but I'm finally back from the dead. My poor, neglected blog. It's been almost a year since my last post. You know, it's kinda frustrating that i don't have much time to write anymore, but i'm still very passionate about writing. It's basically scribbling down thoughts on a blank page, what's not to love? So now, I'm gonna start writing again. I just HAVE to find the time to do so because i'm slipping into an unknown territory and i'm slowly losing touch with my artistic side. Sigh. I have to find myself again. Where do i even begin? Okay, quick run-through. I'm currently in my final semester of my Bachelor's degree in Decision Science and the pressure that comes with it is enormous. I almost drown in the suffocating mound of workload but i resurfaced a couple of times, saved by some anonymous hero of my subconscious mind (Read : Imaginative Boyfriend). Oh, and that. THAT. The BOYFRIEND thing. Still on the look out for potential strong-but-not-so-muscly shoulders to cry on. Still diggin' around for that precious gem. Still fishing for that ferocious barracuda. The net had been out in the ocean for some time now, but no fish yet. I tried the fishing rod, but apparently my hooks are a bit too rusty to catch even a plankton. To anybody who doesnt get my metaphors, poor you. I'm just feelin a bit poetic tonite. LOL. Anyhoo, that's not the point. All i wanna say is that I'm sick of playing matchmaker for my friends, i'm not a friggin chubby cupid! I always set my friends up and keep their secrets for them, but i cant seem to reel any fish into my boat! (still talking fish here.) Now i just feel like a weak-ass little girl who always gets left out in the game of tag. Sigh. Sorry for the bitterness. This comeback isn't exactly what i was going for, but i figured it's probably better than nothing. I'll be back though. Husna out.

Why I See My Car As More Than Just A Vehicle

Reason #1

i could always say yes to more money. like, who doesnt?
so i got this car of mine, and i turned it into a rental, and boy, isn't that tiny thing a major cash cow!

so just the other day, when i was almost out of cash, a friend asked if he could "borrow" my car for like 8 hours to go on a date with his girl somewhere out of town (and by "borrow" i mean "rent", and of course, say yes to cash! ka-ching!! $$$)

But it turned out when he came back, he got a ticket at the uni main entrance by the security people for failure of displaying the university vehicle sticker. He was charged 4o bucks for that and i, dear friends, was indeed devastated. My baby, which had been ticket-free since 2009, is now charged for violating the campus rule for a friggin 40 bucks! If i wanted that, i would have driven around campus like a mad ass trying to get to class on time without having to bother to even put the blinker on while turning down a road. Ughh. And i was cursing the guards for their intolerance. I mean, it's not like its too big a deal and its totally negotiable right? Why dont you people just spare your authoritativeness for some other road bullies and laugh it off, start being green and save a lot of papers from all those ticket-writing instead?

Somebody who's nosy : "So, like, you cursed the guards? *gasp* "

Me : "Nah, i'm too nice..."

But somehow, through various procedures, we talked our way out of it. Whewww~
But that didnt stop me with the business! Risky, but i dont know, who cares?

Somebody who cares : "Seriously, you could get into trouble, you know?"

Me who couldn't care less : "Chillax, the semester's over. I've already applied for the next.
It'll be legal."

This is probably where you should hit me with a dictionary because seriously people, i COULD have gotten into serious trouble then. So, fingers crossed that my application will be approved.

Reason #2

I am not capable of getting about without a car. My car are my legs now. I've gotten used to it. And walking to class from the residential hall is so a thing of the past. Totally out of the question.

"But you did that all the time back then when waiting for the bus just makes you late for class and you claimed that walking's much speedier!"
"Yeah, that was then. People get spoiled and pampered as they grow up. It's a fact."

Well, don't you agree?

Reason #3

It's the perfect hideout when i wanna be alone, or when i wanna just listen to soggy mellow songs, or when i wanna camp out and sleep somewhere different for a change. (Well, i've never really slept in my car before, but i had lie down in the back seat sometimes or take a nap.)

Reason #4

And also, i see my car as my best buddy/partner and best of all, we can have BUBBLE BATHS together, IN PUBLIC!! Haha!! Top that!!!!

random

there's not much room for silly stuff in my mind right now but some things managed to whiz pass my brain amidst all these criss-cross of serious matters.

1. i thought of quitting my current status as a Decision Science student and just live under a rock.

2. i wanna kill every neurotic girl who's being loud and talks in a certain accent from a certain Malaysian state when i am clearly trying to do some revision.

3. at times, i just wanna grab that particular boy and hug him tight. sometimes he would stand so near me i had to strain myself from doing so.

4. when the taste of the food all around campus gets too intolerable for its price, i imagine barging into the kitchen, replacing the chef's place and just cook my own meal.

5. when people keep pushing me to do as they say, i pictured my head exploding into millions of tiny shreds of flaming flesh, each one screaming "leave me alone!!!"

6. i know for a fact that someone hates my guts. and i dont give a damn.

7. for every little moment that someone makes me happy, i imagine putting them in my self-made heaven on the clouds and gave them wings and a halo.

8. it feels awful when someone remembers your name after only one encounter but you dont even remember theirs.

9. i wonder, like 72 times a week, does it kill you to say thank you??!

10. i wish i could make a boyfriend out of a big bubble. It'll be sort of like, Bubble Boyfie. If I'm tired of him, i'll just pop him with a pin.

11. i feel sorry for someone who dresses up and thinks he/she is hot, when it really looks like he/she is trying too hard.

12. i know that hitting on a guy with obvious body inclination and gestures is so cheap, people would just diss you behind your back.

there...random thoughts on a random day at a random moment. enough said.

MEET THE NEW YOURS TRULY :)

honestly, i can't manage 2 blogs at once. I'll tend to have a favourite, which makes me ignore the other one i have although i kept feeling pitiful and guilty for leaving it unattended for such a long period. but that aside, i still think i should keep both my blogs because at times, i just wanna pour everything out in english and sometimes i just want to be all schematic and nerdy in my humble malay. so, yeah.

the reason that i have been quiet is because yes, i have been paying attention to my other blog and yes, i'm too knacked to write up the same story in both languages.
why kill myself when i can cram everything, malay and english posts and all in one blog, right?
well i dont know. i just feel it's inappropriate to confuse people with one language and then jump into another. so i'm letting you take your pick. it's probably easier that way.
AND!! i'll try not to be so lengthy as i did with blog #2.

now, as i have promised in the last entry, i so wanted to make a change in the whole concept of this blog. I've been somewhat doing some thinking and a lot of browsing, and so i found that nothing hits the spot better than writing a blog like you are telling a story. all the crucial details make it even more fun to read. being so downright philosophical creates boredom since no one understands what you are saying anyway and although it's mature and full of thoughts, it hardly becomes everyone's favourite. i've learned that if you are going to be just that, u might as well just write it in a private, personal journal. blogs are meant to be read, so the idea is not to bore people to death. (careful dear, you're starting to babble there...zzzzz)

SO!! here i am, trying to roll this new idea in, racking my brain to find something to write about.
and.....
ooh!! ooh!! i found one!

the nite before yesterday, i went to a dear friend's birthday party and it was awesome coz she had this theme which was "Red Devil" and there were brilliant reds everywhere, tshirts, prezzies, shoes and the cake was Chocolate Indulgence from Secret Recipe and we were at a bistro till midnight and there was booming MTV music videos coming from a big screen and and...
*gasping for air*
ooookay a lil too overexcited there.
as of tradition, the birthday girl, Elle, got messed up with cake frosting and everyone else got it too and it was such a waste because the cake is rm70+ for god's sake.
but then again, when the party started, no one had any time to think straight.
there's no time for like, "okay stop! not this one. let's go for the other cake. that's cheaper."
like duhhh. when it happened, it happened.
but i kept feeling sorry for the cake and i felt guilty for the gooey mess we left behind for the bistro staff to clean up. but who cares, Elle paid for it. lolz

and yesterday evening, i went kayaking with the same bunch i met at Elle's party and they are cool people, apparently you get extended friends by just attending a party. I love socializing!!
and in case u dont already know, i am such a lazy bum when it comes to sports and all things sweaty.
i mean, who needs BO when you can laze around feeding your pets at Neopets.com?lol
(by the way, you should check the website. it may be for kids, but the pets are just so cute and the food you can buy for them are beyond imagination, you dont need those stupid digital cyberpets anymore. lol)
so yeah, i can't get myself to engage in a healthy routine or follow a strict eating regime because i'm too lazy.
it's not that i dont worry about where i'll be once i hit the forties, and the history of medical records in my family does give me a bit of a fright, but i guess i'm not scared enough.
i only exercise and work up a sweat when there's company. but my buddies dont always ask me out to play tennis or go wall climbing whatsoever, so i hardly work out.

okay, why are we discussing this again? i thought we were talking about some birthday party i went to?
oh yeah, i finished that.

now lets talk health.
how do i get myself to work out more and eat healthy food?
what worries me more is that i might be clogging my arteries with greasy food because i only eat one kind of "lauk" for lunch and that involves fried chicken with sambal, gulai and all those kuah pedas which are not only swimming in oil, but also hot. so i worry about my throat and tummy, too.
and when the hotness gets too unbearable, i'll drink a lot in between munches so i tend to get bloated afterwards. i eat fish like, 10 times on average per year, and so is the case with vegs and fruits.
i know, sounds horrible, right?
but i cant stop! it's what i've learned to love so it's become a habit and i really hate to admit that since 2010 alone, there were like 5 people who said i'm fat!! and its the end of January!
oh my oh my oh my. what to do, what to do..??!!

changing

you may have discovered from all the previous posts in this blog that the owner is such a dispirited person whose entries lack any motivational and useful reads, and that maybe after just a few lines of reading, you just couldnt help but steer away to some other bright and cheerful blog. Because i am just that - a bleak and bitter person most of the time. Come to think of it, i have always treated my blog as a sadness therapy. Like, i would share only the most bitter moments rather than the happy ones. I kinda personally view a blog as an online sorrow diary. As i read back all my posts, even i am disgusted at how dispirited and ungrateful i was being all this while and oh, how pitiful i made myself sound when in fact, deep down, i know i am just a normal girl (and emo at times, no doubt) and still wants and knows how to have fun. Even my blog title and description spells out D-U-H.So today, all of a sudden, i figured that from now on, instead of stashing my poor blog with all the bitter stuff, i'll try and load up more on the better ones.

(the fact that i am writing this post right after i went through a real bad, near-death period cramp just goes to show how motivated i am right now. lol)

so, yeah..i swear the next post will be on something fun, something about my actual life. not complaints or dragging bitchiness of that such.

bleak spirit

perhaps i've wasted half of my life being too ungrateful.
i forgot that i have these amazing girls and guys who secretly have my back come rain or thunder.
no worries, i have my umbrella.
it's not that i dont crave for a boyfriend, but i guess for the moment, i just need my pals more.
not that i have anyone in particular who's been eyeing me since my first year in uni.
i wonder how that feels like.
at times, i fret ridiculously about my uninteresting wardrobe and how on earth i am to impress a guy with those boring pieces when i'm not convinced myself.
i may have the largest fashion magazine collection in town, but it doesnt help if i am a boring person myself.
i can hang out with the glitziest stars in hollywood, but i doubt it will make me look somewhat cool.
i can have all the makeovers i need in the world - braces for straighter teeth, rebonding for ramrod straight hair, creams and makeups for a faux beauty, but it wont change who i am inside.
well,i may get that extra boost of confidence to strut around in my new skin, but it's not me.
it wont be who i was born as.
it's not who i am friends with, and it's not about my umbrellas either.
it's who i wanna be and how i feel about it.
i gotta change how i feel about myself, but somehow, all those body peace treaty that Seventeen claims to be successful is not working its magic on me.
hmm. i wonder why.

girls and their insecurities

sometimes in the midst of all the craziness threatening to pull me apart, i stop and think of all the wonderful people i have come across in my life and then i will resume my journey, knowing that i'll never ever breakdown, not with this bunch around. i does kill me at times knowing that i've tried so hard and never got any further. i lack all the great features and abilities and i missed out on a lot of wonderful experiences as a child, and even as a growing teenager, i still feel i'm all holes. but to compare myself with others is of course, a stupid thing to do, because it does nothing but tear me even worse and it wont get me anywhere. so instead of mourning over some stupid issue i know will never be solved, i try to cherish all those people i admire and smile at thier blessed qualities. sometimes i even find myself ogling at a hot girl like a guy normally would, and at first i began to ridiculously think that i have interest for the same sex. i soon realize that i am not jealous of them, just feeling really happy inside and marveling at the fine creation of god. i now enjoy seeing people do things that they are really born to do, and it makes me wonder what am i born to do exactly. i still cant figure that out, and i feel happy for those who have ound theirs.
when you find this complete box of colour pencils to color your life, you wont ever want to lend them to others for fear of losing even one shade of colour. Your friends make up that box of color pencils, and when you treasure them with all your heart, you never want to let go. now i even think i can live without ever getting married to some guy i never knew existed who might bore me after some 10 years or so as long as i have all my buddies around to love me. its all i need in life. at least for now.

I'm free spirit, and I'M LOVING IT

i cant even begin to describe how much i despise being the only single girl around a bunch of well, un-single girls.
i've never really given it much thought, but i remember loving and enjoy being happy alone with no one to care about, with no green monster to apologize to when i spy other hotties with my trailing eyes, no one for me to fuss over and worried of hurting his feelings.
Now it seems to me that those are all stupid rituals which i simply couldnt be bothered getting myself attached to.

I used to LOVE and ADORE the fact that i'm not taken by anyone, yet, but all these girls with boyfriends are just making me sick and hating being alone. I cant help but wishing that i have a guy to pamper and spoil me too. But my "lovebirds" friends are just so sickly lame-romantic that i always give it a second thought, and i know better than that. I know that if i want a guy so badly just because all my friends have one of their own, then i might just as well stay single,old and crippled forever.

Look at all those boy-less girls out there; they are carefree and joyful in their own way, getting emotionally-bonded with their special group of girlfriends, without any presence of the male species. not to mention the independence and all those endless crazy things they can do around their girlfriends, gossiping about boys being the best topic of all, being mindless and tight-knitted, and not forgetting the cliche-but-still-working enchanted belief that "everything's gonna be alright".

Girls know how to have fun on their own, alright, and i bet you can get much better treatment from your girlfriends than a guy can. Girls understand girls like no boy ever would, and i think that's just beautiful.now i wouldnt say that boys aren't important, cuz i know every girl in their right mind would wanna discover that anonymous, mysterious prince charming of ours one wonderful day, but while waiting for the day to come, why not spare a tremendous lot of your precious time with your girlfriends? you wont be single forever...
and once you got seriously involved with a guy, things wont ever be the same again. from that day on, u can kiss your wacky single days goodbye.
no doubt u will be truly enchanted by your mr.right and u might feel like u couldnt be happier.

But the truth is, u'll always miss your single days, and u would regret how u didnt give it much attention, and now that it's gone, sometimes you feel like you wanna just chuck your guy and escape back to the time when you were single.a guy may be able to fulfill your needs that girls can't give you, but it's those boy-less days that thought u the most about bringing yourself about in future life.
its those girls who taught you about true love, about how to keep sane when things go haywire, and how to manage yourself from dropping out when the worst comes.when you found your guy, u are just practicing those skills you've learned and acquired from your best buds.

Loud girls like them may not get the best guys, but guess what? they couldnt care less.
now dont u just love that spirit?
The belief that u really dont need a guy to feel loved, cherished and pampered all your fucking life.
I truly look up to girls who view life that way.
And with that, here's a bow from me to all you single ladies out there who know how to have fun without any guys attached.

And to all those taken girls who pushed her girlfriends aside and treat her friends like underdogs next to her "charming" boyfriend, may u all, together with your pushy,immatured boyfriends rot in the deepest and hottest burning fire of hell. That's all i'm saying. Rot in hell, sweetheart.