reinventing myself

what i saw on tv just now touched me deeply. it's always like that when it comes to watching indonesian dramas. i just feel sorry for the people, especially Indonesians depicted in those dramas. i mean, when they are poor, they are really2 poor. what we see in dramas usually depicts 2 groups, the rich businessman family and the very poor ones, and nothing in between. indonesia's one of the poorest asian country, so maybe that's why when they made movies or dramas, everything's so real.from the street kids who become beggars to hawkers who get so little daily earnings that it made no difference whether they go out and sell somthing or not. actually, what upsets me the most is how people react to their poverty and treat them like stray dogs. especially when the situation is something like this : a paralyzed family man had to depend on his wife to work in order to provide the family with food, and then the wife gets fed up with having to work like hell and keep insulting the husband for not being able to provide for the family anymore. the daughter is still too young to work, and then the wife had to become a prostitute for more money and left the house, leaving the two father and child on their own without any source of income.and then, as typical as it may sound, the tenant had to choose that time to be evil and came to collect the house rent and again, insulted the man.when he failed to pay, he and his daughter were thrown out of the house, went on their way to god knows where, then met the guy who actually hit him that day and who had caused all those trouble. he then took them into his own house, which was like a palace to the poor kid, and then, the wife makes thing harder by not welcoming them into the house. well.the list of bad luck just went on and on and everyone seemed to treat this people like they have no value whatsoever as human beings. what i am trying to say is, why cant we be more sensitive toward this issue? even i have been treating people around me like shit, and i've come to the point of realising my mistakes. for one, i dont treat y parents well enough, see, i'm not a decent child, to begin with. i cant stand being scolded, and i'll raise my voice back. i cant stand being forced to do housework, coz i hate doing chores around the house when i dont feel like it. i am seldom in the mood, so i'm always cranky. when they ask me questions and i dont feel like answering them, i just sulked or answered them back not quite politely. see, i admit all my bad manners. i felt bad enough that i lost my boyfriend and best friend ever only 2 days ago and i was so heartbroken i had to find ways so i wont go crazy. i am able to control my feelings, but what's worst is realising that probably, the main reasons he left me is because of my own attitude. he's my first love, so i admit i dont have any experience in dating guys, i have no idea how i should treat them and all. but that was before. i realised that i shouldnt go yelling and barking at them when i am not in the mood to talk, i shouldnt be mad at him for a minor mistake, i shouldnt be so disrespectful because he's a guy, and all guys have higher status than girls, and they have their ego that should be understood and seen to. i guess i didnt really care about his feelings back then, i scolded him and he always apologized afterwards. i guess he did his best to satisfy me since i, too, am his first love. i knew he loved me so much but maybe he just got too tired being so ill treated. i didnt respect him enough as a leader and it always seemed like i am the head of our relationship. it's like, i was too dominant and was over-controlling. now, i know nobody deserves or would like that, even i dont. i think it's good that i realised and admitted my mistakes, and i did promise to try harder at being a more sensitive person towards other people's feelings, especially those of my loved ones. apparently, he had given me so many chances already and eventhough i know i have improved since the first few months with him, i guess a slight improvement is not enough for him. so he got off with another girl. (well...our story is not exactly like how it may seem to you,there is way more to it,but nevermind.that's how i put it and so that's how u see it) now i am opened to choose other guys out there though i'm not very confident anymore about dating any other guy besides him in the future. after what happened, i realised that all blame are not to be put on me alone, he also needs to be blamed for some things, but having said that, i didnt mean that i'm afraid to love again, nor am i intimidated of other guys. (afterall, boys have always been my passion!) but i WILL be a lot more careful and choosy after this. in the meantime, i am in no menas of finding a replacement, although some part of me still hopes for one so that i can forget this major frustration and move on. i dont think i'm even ready yet, so let's just say, i'll leave this matchmaking business completely in the hands of the ALMIGHTY GOD. i wont go looking for love again, flirt, maybe..but for serious business, i wanna let LOVE come to me. let's see if that's going to work. but if i am being truly honest with u and myself, i still have a lil bit of hope for us to be together again some day. i cant imagine myself with someone else framing my future--it has always been about him. now i have chosen to keep quiet, to avoid him and see if he will come and find me. sometimes, effort means that someone really cares and still wants u deep inside. i just hope he's like that. it's only been 2 days, i'm planning to make it last for more like 2 months or even 2 years. i dont know if i can stand being parted from him completely, though. but i've chosen this path, and i'm definitely keeping my pride. i so want him to come crawling back to me when he's been heartbroken by someone he loves deeply. only then will he understand how i feel now. hmm~ sounds like revenge. but hey, i'm not gonna DO anything to make that happen, i'll just let it happen naturally. oh, come on..dont blame me. revenge is sweet, right girls?