a place called here

if u have read this novel by cecelia ahern before, then u'd wanna dream of the place where every missing thing ends up in and wish u could be there. i, for example, am a very careless person. i always lose my things, and i cant seem to find it especially when i badly need it. i know this happens to everyone all the time, even to the most organised person on earth. after reading cecilia's gift, i've always dreamt that i could stumble upon that place called Here one day, and joyously digging out missing treasures since my childhood years in that place, pausing every now and then examining a few things that brought tears of memories to my eyes. i still remember some of the most costly and loved things that i've lost over the years - a gold & crystal butterfly bracelet, a pink glittery afro print baby t, a twist lip glaze pen, just to name a few. but the thing that i fear the most rite now is losing my ex. it's bad news enough that i'd lost him as my boyfriend, but he still remains in the air around me and he's not exactly 'lost'. but i dread and feared that what i am doing now is going to make me lose him forever. we could, as he said, stay friends, but i felt that he's just asking too much for us to even stay that way. i thought i am doing the right thing, getting away from him and all.besides, after all that was thrown to me by both him and his new girl to me that day, i couldnt see myself ever forgiving them nor forgetting the feel of disrespect and dishonoured i went through. i never thought i would be able to forget him anyway, but he could end up in Here as the person missing from my life in a couple of years to come, and i certainly dont want that. i dont even want him to hate me, more than anything, but if i dont do this, i would feel bad coz i never knew i was such a bad news to the new couple. i never wanted to be a pain in someone's life, and i dont wanna come as a disturbance to them. but without me realising it, i was already doing that. so i have chosen this way because i wanna stay away from causing such mess and trouble again, and because it hurt me so much,i just felt that it is time to let go. i never could do that, i am certain of that, but for their sake, i have to try. i hope i dont make anymore enemies just because we are fighting over a man, and even now, i think that is real stupid. i didnt even know how i got involved in that. now i felt really dumb for pleading him to come back to me when he is clearly having a pleasant life with the new girl he loves. i just know that he used to love me too, but even i cannot be sure whether the love i had was more than the love 'she' is getting right now. It's only been a week, and i do miss him terribly, but besides that, i think i'm doing just fine. weird,and i cant even believe this myself, but deep down, i still believe and stick to the tiny faith that we are gonna have another chance at love and succeed. i dont know where i got all this strength in believing almost-impossible things, but i do. "it's hard to wait around for something that u know might not happen, but it's even harder to give up, when u know it's everything u ever wanted". that is so true. i've waited for him even when i know he's with another girl, and lingered for some time around and made him promise he's gonna come back to me once he ends it with the girl just to make me feel better and as an excuse and reason for me to keep on waiting. but now, when it so happened that made me feel it is best to stop waiting and just give up, it is even harder because deep inside, eventhough i'm scared it might never happen, i'd still rather wait because that's all i ever wanted. but things happen for a reason, and what happened between the 3 of us might just be a sign for me to stop hoping so much and it just forced me to do this. i had nno choice but to do this, but i wont ever forget nor stop loving him. but i think i just developed some kind of hatred toward that girl since she spat all those mean stuff at me in her 8-pages-long text. sorry girl, but u made me hate u.
well, tomorrow, the university intake result will be out, and i do hope i'll make it to a decent uni. although, things might not be the same again without a boyfriend to support me. well, on the bright side, i dont have to feel guilty to survey guys anymore!