when life decides to be unfair..

the more depressed i get, the more i feel the need for him.yup, day 7 after my decision of avoiding my ex,day 2 since he went to the camp, and i'm still talking bout him. why? because indeed, i truly miss him. i cant believe how much bad luck i am getting in my academic life, and today is no exception. the result of university intakes is out this morning and i was pretty confident i'd get a place in UKM, or at least somewhere in KL coz all universities i've applied for are those in KL area. and i was so sure i'd hit one. no such luck. they had to throw me all the way back to kedah again, to UUM, where some 10 minute walk from there, i'll reach the matrix college i've been stuck in for the past year! i SO did not dream of going back there. besides, i wanna travel while studying, and i dont like to be stuck in the same place twice. i get bored easily, and after a whole year there, i certainly dont wanna return there! i've said my goodbyes to kedah, and i thought AND was sure i would never ever have to go back there. why, of all places in this country, does it have to be Kedah?? i would have been able to forgive the situation if it's penang or something, but kedah??!! urghhhh i hate how my academic journey is going on. since form 1, i never get to study sumwhere i really want to be AND belong. i never did like starting my secondary school years in terengganu, but okay, so i did adapt with it. later, i wished for a boarding school somewhere further from home, seri putri,KL was my wish. but of all the other possible schools, i got sent to, well, Kuala Terengganu, which is like a one hour journey from home. no good. not adventurous enough. but well, i did adapt to the surrounding, and i actually loved the place. and my friends,the most. but not the subjects. i didnt even know if i should study in science stream. so, i adapted myself quite well but the results of my final year exam wasnt exactly like me. i found that after 2 years studying science, i'm no good in biology and just a so-so in physics and chemistry. and as for additional mathematics..let's just say i was among the lowest achievers around. i wasnt very thrilled about going to matriculation either though it was a bit nice in the beginning coz i found out at last, i was heading for somewhere far from home, and yes, i adapted to my surrounding again, and almost never felt homesick. but i still didnt like what i studied much. still physics, maths and chemistry. see, at this point, i just KNOW i'm not born to do science. and Maths is so not sticking to my brain. they just repelled like two similar polar magnets.proof is, i flunked both my final semesters' exams with an average 2.5 pointer, a well distance away from 4.00 flat, and although i did survive college life till the very last day, i knew i was just merely surviving because of my friends whom i loved to be with. truthfully, i didnt stay there for my studies, but more because of my friends who make me happy. coz i dont get to feel the same way when i am at home. so i guess i never really felt homesick coz i felt like the college IS my home. but, what's the point of liking a place if u dont like what u r there for?and with that, i mean what u r studying. see,i survived, but my results didnt. and today, i got into this huge frustration because i didnt get a course that i wanted, and the one i got offered for is nothing near my main interest. Decision science. whoever heard of that? and what's with this UUM thing? u guys are sending me back to that place i was in a whole year? NO BLOODY WAY. if i go, it means i'll go for weekend outing in the same small town area, go shopping in the same mini mall (i dont even wanna mention the name of the mall) and meet familiar faces, shopkeepers and night market hawkers! ARGHHHH i was so ready to leave all those behind, i've even forgotten about that place, i dont really miss it and i nevr wish i'll have to get stuck there, in the middle of nowhere,again! and the worst part is, i have no one to share my sadness with. and all this problems just make me wanna talk to him all the more. i badly need his voice, his advise, his soothing console which usually calms me down, and i need him to help me make my decision. i'm totally wrecked and freaked out now. i hve absolutely no idea wut to do and he's not around to give me all the answers i needed. and i have just 10 days to make up my mind. godm i really need him now!!! why does this always happen to me? i too have my own dreams to pursue my studies, studying what i LIKE, and good at, and i've always wanted to try living temporarily in a big city when i am at this age, but why cant i have this simple wish come true? i'm so jealous of my friends who get the chance to study around KL, they get to hang out in cool malls having fun while studying, so why cant i hve that too? i've been stuck 3 years in places i never really wanted to be in, studying things i never really had the heart to study for, so why cant this year be MY chance to switch back to the city? i was a city girl once, why cant i be one again now that i'm older?this is so not fair. university life is so important to me and i've always waited and dreamt of studying in KL. well, it would be much easier. i know some of the place and malls oredy, and i can pay a visit to my aunt's or grandma's house in PJ once in a while, and i know mum would love it too coz they cn visit me more seldom rather than when i was in kedah. besides, last year it was only for a year, so maybe i could live without my parents visiting me as frequent as the other parents, but this, we are talking bout 3 years man! i need stuf to cheer me up if i'm gonna be stuck in one place for 3 long years!! ughh i totally have no idea why i'm so unlucky when it comes about me studying. hey God, i just wanna study u know, and be brilliant and smart like evryone else! i have dreams of making it big in my future career, u know! and there's no way i can do that if i dont get to study something i have the passion for. oh...i really3 wish he's contactable now...i SERIOUSLY need to discuss this with him, and no one else!!!