Final ramblings...ta dah!

This is probably going to be my last post before i fly to Kedah. Yep, fly. We'll be leaving on a jetplane the next day after tomorrow. I cant believe i'm finally stepping my feet in university but am not feeling it at all. It is like, everyone's dream to be in uni, it is almost the peak of higher education and you will totally be a self-dependent and grown up person once you are a university student. This is what i've always wanted but somehow, eventhough i've got almost everything prepared -- the documents, registration forms, fees, baggage and flight tickets -- my heart is not really into it. it's as dry as desert. I've checked my friends' Friendster profiles and most of them posted shoutouts mentioning the uni they'll be heading to, their nervousness, anticipation, blah3...and i'm not surprised i'm not feeling any of those to this very moment. My life, FYI, is not living up to my parents' and my own expectation, and it seemed like i've taken a wrong corner once and nothing's turning up the way i hoped eversince. I dont know if anyone's ever reading my blog, though i wished i get a lil' more publicity cuz i would love to be read, but if anyone is reading this, i'd like to apologize for boring you to death with my endless ramblings of my hopeless life and such things, but i wish to tell those who have a decent life to stop by and pity me for having such a lousy one. A few encouragements would be nice, but nah, i've learnt not to put my hopes too high. Now, i'll tell whoever wants to read this, why i havent been feeling excited about going to uni. Firstly, i didnt get to study what i wanted, and second, i didnt get the uni i wanted to go to. To make things worst, a hell lot of my buddies got the uni i wanted. Sheesh..i wish life isn't so cruel on me. I just wanna pursue my dreams and do what i want like everybody else. How can i learn something i've never even heard of, let alone have interest in? Besides, as much as i wanted to be in the science-medical-or-engineering thingy coz i want to sound intelligent, i just know i am not born for that field. I've been in science stream for 3 years, and none of the results along the way came out with a relief and satisfaction. Plus, even if i am qualified to jump into that industry, i doubt i can face the challenge and survive the rivalry. All my life, i've heard people's parents on tv (my parents hardly ever tell me that) telling their kids to 'just-do-whatever-you-want-and-everything-will-turn-out-just-fine' sort of things, and i'm trying to apply it in my own life. Looks like even parents can be wrong sometimes. They might be right in their kids' cases, but i have no bloody idea why it's not working out for me. I've switched my passion for science to English, instead coz i've been told and 'discovered' that i am good in it--something i do realize but didnt actually want to do coz i wanted to sound more intelligent by doing science related stuffs, remember? Now that i've changed my interest, how come it still didnt work out? To be honest, i dont have any other talent, besides singing, (which i do mostly to myself and have no intention of going public just yet) so honestly, i dont know what to do with my life. I'm stuck in this position which provides me with very little choices that dont even seem approachable. I dont know what exactly to feel, even. I've been upset and frustrated for so long that i dont feel like going through those anymore. At this point, i know myself well to say that i AM an 18 year old with very low self esteem, a better pessimist though i could be optimistic at times, and a girl who has so many flaws even i have lost count myself. To make matters worse, yesterday my ex called. I've been waiting for friday to come along coz i know he gets his cell phone every weekend, and though i wanted s much for him to contact me, i've also been having a mixed feeling all this week. It's like, i am confused. I wanted so much to hear from him, but on the same time, i was scared that i wont know how to react. See, i am still mad at him for doing those stuff to me and i dont know if i've already forgave him or not. I want him to know that i am still mad, and the best way is by ignoring his calls. But it's been one whole week, and i think both of us want to hear from each other and the week is enough as a punishment. Oh, it's just me being all nice again, going soft after he said he missed me a lot a few times in his texts and over the phone. So yep, i replied his texts and answered his call yesterday, and i will have to admit this, i am happy he'd called again. But what do i know...i just never learn to be a bit tougher with myself...i wish i'm not as easily softened as i am now. But all i did was buy his sweet words and melted again, though my texts were sent half-heartedly and with much less emotion (or you can even say none). Truth is, i'm avoiding the feeling. I have the desire to treat him and talk to him like always, but i'm forcing myself to leave out the extra emotion in our conversation and the idea is to keep it as dry as possible. I never wanted to do that, but i feel like i have to. I dont want to go and develop any more wrong feelings toward him right now, and the last thing i want is to get my hopes up too high and then experience a severe heartbreak over again if i fall down. Nope, i'm gonna act like there's nothing between us and i'm saving my dignity. I wont go all mushy with him ever again, or all touchy-feely or anything near that, and i'm keeping a new principle by me. And that is, i f he really wants me back, let him work for it and beg you if necessary. And my job is just to keep cool as if no feeling is attached and pretend to consider taking him back. Well, truth is, i doubt i'll ever continue a serious relationship with him should he want me again, coz to be honest, i'm terrified the same thing will happen again if we start dating like we did once. After all that had happened, i never hate him, okay, maybe just a bit at times when he acted moody, like today, when i replied his texts drily, he got mad for that and even called me a robot. Hah! I couldnt stand being called that, as if i have no feelings! Hey Mr. Heartbreaker, guess what? I had all the nicest feelings in the world spared for you all those months ago, but have u ever appreciated all that? Now that u r not feeling it, u're asking me back for it huh? (NOW i sound like i hate him). True, i still love him, and nothing can take that away, but i'm still afraid that anger and frustration will grow over time and wash the whole love thing away instead of healing things. As a maturing girl, i have my own insecurities. And today, my biggest insecurity has got to be the fear of being left again in married life. I'm scared if i give him another chance to love me seriously like before, he will end up leaving me for another girl or marry another woman while he's still married to me. Now, i dont like sharing my hubby, so I'm already worrying about these stuffs when i'm still too young to think about this. I know sometimes i woory or think too much, and most of the time, beyond the common possibilities, but i dont know my limits and when to stop. I know deep inside, i still believe we belong together though the faith flickers every now and then. Sometimes i feel our bond and fate is so strong but sometimes i just feel that it is ridiculous and would never happen in a million years.
There are a lot of things that are upsetting in life, and they just help you to grow up and mature over experiences. I know my problems are not as serious as others, i am aware that a lot of others have much more to worry about and they would probably think my problems are just a tiny matter and there really isnt anything to fuss about. But the difference between me and them is that they can handle their issues, while i'm just struggling and almost drowning here without help. All i can do is blog and blog and blog about almost the same thing everyday--i write in hopes of finding someone who cares to read it all and willingly encourage me and lift my spirits. I write coz i think someone's hearing me out, even if it means only the paper or the page i am writing on. And with that, i feel slightly relieved. I wish i have a family who's okay to discuss my teenage issues with, especially about my heartbreak and what i am to do later, but some things can never be changed. And i know i have to live with that til the day i die, no matter what, just as i had been living with the fact that i dont have any siblings to kill my loneliness for some good 18 years of my life.
I just have to say this coz it seems like the most accurate way to describe what i feel when all these happened to me : i felt like i've been sentenced the Dementor's Kiss, as if all the life and soul had been sucked out of me and i felt as if i'd never be happy all my life again. Which is somewhat true, considering that i havent been feeling blissfully happy since, i dont know, i cant even remember since when. Not even when i first drove a car alone, not even when i got my first car, not even when i got a new pair of sneakers yesterday. Life's little pleasures which i should have found blissful if i'm not in this situation have lost its magic. I feel like i can never be happy again. And another thing that upsets me is that when i'm not happy or not 'in the mood', i tend to treat people like shit. And i know they dont deserve that, but i just cant help it. They usually picked the wrong time to ask me stupid, unimportant questions when i'm totally not in the mood to talk, so all they usually get is a grunt, a nod or a moan. I wish i would treat people around me better. Maybe that way, they will be more pleasant to me. But seriously, to top everything off, i think i am a lousy girl whom no guy could ever deserve. I love guy-gazing, and when i look at cute hunks, be it on tv or the supermarket guy, i always go drooly and started to imagine things. But true to the heart, i can never imagine myself ending up with those guys. It's like i am never meant for any of them, like i'm not eligible or something. But what i AM sure of is, everytime i tried to imagine myself with them, there's always something blocking the nice view. Maybe my fate says i am going to be single forever. Coz looking at who i am now, i think that is probably true. Coz u see, i'm not really a girly girl, i do lots of unladylike stuffs all the time.Sorry guys, but i'll NEVER be the one.