ears and shoulder

when i was really depressed with my SPM result and worried sick about my next destination, i had my ex back then. he might not be the best sweet-talker and coaxer (if there is such a word) in the world, but he is to me. when i was in such situations inwhich i needed someone to talk to, i remember him being there almost all the time. there were times when he was incontactable, but llet's just focus on the many times he WAS there for me,shall we?
i'm not that lucky a person because i wasnt born in a family of many members, there are just the 3 of us (my parents and me, that is) and since i dont have any siblings, u'd think i'm dead close to my folks. well,no. i am far from sharing my feelings, being outspoken about my love problems or even my studies. there seems to be this huge boulder that runs between us and though i wanted very much to smash/run over/ crash/climb over/ knock down the wall, i couldnt and i never thought i ever can. i see my friends bonding quite well though not really smoothly with their parents and siblings and i do get jealous from time to time. the thing is, i wanted very much to share my problems and have this mother-daughter heart to heart girl talk or something of that kind but the thing that's been stopping me is the mere realisation of the exact situation i was born in. i've always been this way with them, and they have always been the kind of parents who are just not seeing eye to eye, and not even connecting with their child. i'm not saying that it's their fault though, and not even mine, but this kind of things are sometimes meant to be like this and can never be changed. try and imagine me suddenly going up to one of them, telling them i want a private conversation about my relationship problems or so and so.(if i was going to say this back then when i still have a boyfriend) ughh no way! the idea itself is scary enough. it would be just plain weird if i take such abrupt steps. they'd probably think i'm outta my mind. it's just that there is just no way this is going to change without taking an abrupt action. i dont like abrupt actions because well, they are obviously weird and noticeable. i prefer things to change slowly so that people will take time to realise the difference.
that is probably why when love came when i least expected it, i loved my lover boy to bits coz i felt more open to share most anything with him whenever i feel the need to. and vice versa. i like listening to and making things easier for him if there's any way i could help. but most of the time, i just listened coz if it was me,i'd feel good enough when someone takes time to hear my problem out, even if there's nothing they can do to fix it. so i think it goes the same way to others as well.once i felt safe to trust this guy, i felt more loved and cared for and most importantly, i can let out many things that i never get to tell my parents to him. u would have thought that our life is balanced, say, if God gave u some weaknesses, on the other side, u r probably blessed with a miracle talent. but in my case, i dont feel secured to open up to my parents, and i dont have any sisters to share them with either. so of course i need someone real close, someone who is more special than any friend could be, someone who is like my life, my family, to take the place/job my parents/non-existent siblings can't do, and be my truthful listener and problem solver and even the shoulder for me to cry on. and when i did have one, now god has taken him away. and there's nothing worse than having known someone for some time and suddenly your only ears and shoulder are ripped away from u. i think it's way better not having anyone at all as a start than having met someone you trust so much with ur problems later on and then when u r so comfortable with him already, that lover boy flew away. that sucks. nothing beats this feeling.
i have very few close friends too, and the ones i could trust to hear my problems out always change from time to time. i wish i have that someone again who will stick with me to the very end so i wont feel the loss and having to face such frustration ever again. and now, more than anything else in the world, i NEED and WANT to talk to my ex whom i still love so much but he's not contactable coz he's in national service camp. truth is, i'm not even sure if he would want to listen to my cries and frustration anymore even if he's contactable. can u believe it? i am experiencing my biggest breakdown ever and he's not around. my biggest breakdown? let's just save that for another day, shall we? well,...my ONLY shoulder and ears have fled. fly, loverboy,fly..but i hope u fly like a boomerang, going away from my grip for such a long distance, but u'll come back again in the end. this hand will always wait for ur comeback, and these fingers are always stretched out to reach out to you, to catch u the moment u fall back. (oh, a bit mushy there, dont cha think??)