The Unspeakables of Twenty Twelve

So the new year kicked off to a slow draggish start.
I just know things will go a bit differently this year, but i have no idea how different.

First of all, I had no resolutions but a few things i’d like to call “mental goals” to be achieved this year.
I have vowed to spend a small fraction of my monthly salary for charity purposes, or give it away to the needies.
There’s also a lot of things i hope i could change.

Like for example, there’s a guy at work whom i wish would stop calling me “Wan”. For one, it sounds very masculine, like a guy’s name, as in, short for Izwan, Safwan or Ridzuan. And second, it makes me sound a lot older than i really am.

And how i wish he would leave me alone. He bugs me every now and then, popping up at my cubicle out of nowhere when i least expect it, giving me a terrible shock. And up to this day, i’ve already been caught three times doing absolutely crap things instead of working. See, that’s why i wish he’d get the hell out of my face. I am not a person of commitment. I am, well, self-diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). It’s not medically proven yet, but i’m pretty sure i have it.

Symptom #1 : My attention span is equivalent to that of a rat. I cant spend long hours sitting in one place, just staring at the computer which dries my eyes out. So I tend to take breaks from work and distract myself with something else, which would often include eating, doodling, reading random stuff, singing under my breath, or playing games on my Android. When this occurs and The Obnoxious One suddenly appeared at my desk, i am in a bad place. Once, i was randomly doodling and had my head bent over so low i didnt see him perching over my cubicle. What a nasty fright i had when i looked up and noticed he had been there for god knows how long. It was downright embarassing because later he would make fun of me and questioned whether i had no work to be done. Which i had.

Symptom #2 : when i get too bored at work for doing the same thing over and over again, i would lose focus and started drifting in and out, often losing attention as to what i am really doing in the first place and had to retrace my steps and do everything from scratch.

Symptom #3 : I’d just fall into a lull and can even doze off in the toilet. Yeah, it’s THAT bad.

And then there’s the unhealthy fitness regime to be addressed. Not that i have one. I have always wanted to be healthier and eat better, but I never work out, and am often too easily distracted to stay on track. Plus, i think i am never that determined to change. I would start with a healthy grocery list that is worthy of an athlete, stocking up on whole grain cereals, wheat bread, fruits, granola bars and yogurt. But after a few weeks, I’d end up ditching the whole being healthy plan and switch back to whatever-you-want-you-get diet and who-am-i-kidding-jogging-is-never-my-thing lifestyle. Thus, my journey to scoring a runway model figure was cut short and i am back to square one. Story of my life.

And with all these buzz around me about a friend of mine who is to wed the tv host, Ally Iskandar, i am even more tensed about finding the guy of my dreams. Not that it’s already my call, but everyone says i should start looking. To be honest, i used to not give a damn. I am only 21 going on 22 goddammit, but these people would not chill. So i started thinking about my Mystery Charmer, Does he even exist? Did i set my bar too high? And most importantly, did he give up on finding me and suddenly convert to being gay? Okay, that’s just crap talk. My mind wanders to places my body would be ashamed to go.

Finally, my last wish would be to embrace the religion i am blessed with with more passion and determination. Heck, i wish i am determined in everything i do. I wish i could work hard, love hard and pray hard, but it’s mostly just the other way round ; hardly work, hardly love and hardly pray.

There are also things that i have never even imagined or wished for that just came about. Like I suddenly got the job at Malaysia Airlines when i didn’t even put up hopes on it. Soon i am flying back and forth to my hometown in Terengganu twice a month. And yesterday i went house-hunting, because our Subang office would be relocated to KLIA, and the most sensible thing to do is to find a house for rent nearby, but upon looking around, i ended up making a purchase instead. Okay, i know it’s pretty bold and drastic for someone who’d just started working, but i was convinced that it’d be a fruitful investment. So...yeah. I actually bought a house. At the age of 21. I know, right. Lemons.

Oh and did i mention, 2 weeks into the new year and already, the unlucky demons are hovering over the top of my head. My plans have gone horribly wrong. See, I am supposed to leave for Japan with 4 others (3 of them strangers) on the first flight tomorrow morning, but for some reasons i’d rather not discuss for fear of bringing the sting back to my heart, the whole vacation plan is being cancelled.

My vacation. My long-awaited, much-anticipated Japan getaway. Which i have planned way back in October. It has fallen apart. Everything is ruined. Arghh i’m going crazy just thinking about it.

And i have no idea how i’d set my feet in the office tomorrow with this horrible thought biting off the edges of my soggy brain. Probably dragging them. In fact, i’m already dragging them now. Holy guacamole, i can’t face this frustration!!!!

Can i just skip right ahead to Friday?